Office Space Diaries

January 2, 2003 Thursday
The new year celebration has come to an end. Your carpet is soaked in alcohol, there is a mountain of dishes in the sink, and nameless faces are passed out in your living room. As you race to beat the clock, you can’t get your car door to unfreeze, and you spill steaming, hot coffee down your wrinkled suit. Once you get your “mileage” care warmed up, you slide to work listening to “Everybody Hurts”. You startle from your daze as you realize it’s the first day of the work year…and 4 th of July is far, far away.

January 3, 2003 Friday
Well, I guess it’s time to suck it up and make my New Year’s resolutions. Last year, I was a mess…didn’t even make it a week. This year will be different! I will succeed. Firstly, I will lose 25 pounds. I will quit smoking. AND I will not drink during the week. It’s Friday, so I’m giving myself the weekend off – will start full steam ahead on Monday!

January 6, 2003 Monday
Okay. I am ready to go. No cigarette with my morning coffee. No smoky treat on the commute to work. Had a huge breakfast of eggs and bacon – I am LOVIN’ this Atkins thing!

January 7, 2003 Tuesday
Chewed a whole pack of Nicorette after I beat the living daylights out of the copier. Is it too much to ask for a stupid machine to copy front and back?

January 8, 2003 Wednesday
Last night I strangled my dog Tootsie. I NEED a cigarette!!! Just one little puff. One tiny little hit off a Marlboro, and I will be satisfied. NO! I can’t do it. Will buy the patch and join an on-line support group. At least I’ll have someone to talk to at work.

January 9, 2003 Thursday
I have a savior! Found low-carb bread. Can you actually believe it?! I am sooo gonna stick to this diet. Doc Atkins is my hero!!!

January 10, 2003 Friday
Feel like crap. Went out with a few guys I use to bowl with. I didn’t drink. Took some crap for that. I smoked. I caved in. I couldn’t help myself! I have to look on the bright side – at least it’s pay day!

January 13 2003 Monday
I’d rather be shot out of a cannon than hear “Manic Monday” on another Monday morning commute. I don’t want to go to work. God, help me! I need coffee.

January 14, 2003 Tuesday
Coffee saved the day yesterday! I was never a big fan, but it really kicked me into high gear. Last night I went out and bought a 40 ounce, silver coffee mug…I am the envy of every computer geek in the company.

January 15, 2003 Wednesday
It’s hump day! Only two more wake-ups this week! There is a God!

January 16, 2003 Thursday
Called my ex last night. Found out she is engaged. Engaged! It’s only been three years! Women can be so heartless. She told me to never call her again. I hung up the phone and grabbed a Bud Light.

January 17, 2003 Friday
My paycheck is already spent. Purchased an exercise machine last night around 2 am. Chuck Norris says it only takes eight minutes three times a week to get results. And the best thing is that there is no strenuous activity! I am going to stick with my diet. It’s all I have left in my life!

January 20, 2003 Monday
“Manic Monday” was playing as soon as I started my car. I turned the channel. And there it was again, so I turned it to another station only to HEAR IT AGAIN!!! To Do List: Buy a new radio for my car.

January 21, 2003 Tuesday
Yeah. The most uncelebrated day of the week. Great.

January 22, 2003 Wednesday
The company had a luncheon for the IS department. Free Food! We all raced to table to get started. Couldn’t help myself – had a cheeseburger, french fries, and a piece of chocolate fudge cake. I am a loser!

January 23, 2003 Thursday
UPS guy delivered my workout machine yesterday. I couldn’t even do one repetition. No pain, no gain, huh, Chuck?! Will put in the empty bedroom. At least I will look sporty!

January 24, 2003 Friday
Received my VISA statement. Paycheck funds depleted. Hope everyone had a good Christmas…

January 27, 2003 Monday
What a waste…watched the Rambo movies, Rocky I – IV, The Star Wars Triology, and The Godfather series. And now I have a full work week ahead of me. Life is grand.

January 28, 2003 Tuesday
Is it still January?

January 29, 2003 Wednesday
156 days until Vacation!

January 30, 2003 Thursday
Called four of my buddies last night to make some plans for the weekend. Will start making out my movie listings early. Haven’t seen Hackers in awhile.

January 31, 2003 Friday
Will take my friend Tom out for drinks after work. He was just made employee of the month for January. What a suck up!

February 3, 2003 Monday
That damn groundhog ran back into its hole yesterday. Just what I need…six more weeks of winter. My life officially sucks!

February 4, 2003 Tuesday
It’s National Boost Your Self-Esteem Month! Yipeee

February 5, 2003 Wednesday
I am a winner! Who am I kidding? I am a LOSER!!!

February 6, 2003 Thursday
My desk is 60 quarters wide.

February 7, 2003 Friday
Valentine’s Day is a week away. If I see one more giddy girl walk by my cubicle, I am gonna puke!

February 10, 2003 Monday
Went out with some of my boys this weekend. We decided to get a team together for the new leagues at the bowling alley. I’ll finally be doing some physical activity…maybe I can jump start that diet.

February 11, 2003 Tuesday
Got “Rock Star” parking at work today. One row over from my usual space. This week is goin’ well.

February 12, 2003 Wednesday
The guys and I are getting together to practice tonight. I think I’ll lift some weights before we go. I want to kick some butt!

February 13, 2003 Thursday
Got a black eye last night. Jerry swung his bowling ball back, and it slipped out of his hand. My head is killing me!

February 14, 2003 Friday
Oh joy. It’s Black Death Day. I think I’ll order a pizza and watch re-runs of MASH.

February 17, 2003 Monday
I got absolutely no sleep last night! It was a full moon and the cats in the alley were going crazy! Thank God for my 40 ounce coffee mug!

February 18, 2003 Tuesday
I have to take 223 steps to get to the company lunchroom.

February 19, 2003 Wednesday
Our company has been bought. The new owners will be coming on Friday. A memo I just received is telling people to dress up. I need a new suit! I can’t afford to lose my job.

February 20, 2003 Thursday
Went shopping last night. My waste size has gone up two inches. It’s a good thing I joined a bowling league.

February 21, 2003 Friday
Didn’t realize the new owners were here. They caught me playing Quake…I better start revising my resume.

February 24, 2003 Monday
It’s Hawaiian day at work. Some crazy lady put a lei around my neck when I got in. She came very close to losing a hand.

February 25, 2003 Tuesday
Yeeeee Haaaaaw. It’s cowboy day. If I hear one more person say, “howdy, partner,” I’m gonna puke!

February 26, 2003 Wednesday
It’s fun hat day. Can you believe some guy is actually wearing an Indians hat? I’m about to take his “can’t-win-a-pennant-if-you-try” butt outside and teach him a thing or two.

February 27, 2003 Thursday
One last day of this dress up and act like an idiot stuff.

February 28, 2003 Friday
Oh, this one takes the cake! Some guy came dressed up as Barney…now if that’s his favorite cartoon character. Never mind. I am just glad this whole “raise your spirits” week is over.

March 3, 2003 Monday
I just wish that I was adventurous enough to jump into my car and drive to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. What a great time!

March 4, 2003 Tuesday
Yeah, baby! Fat Tuesday is here. Whoever said this was the most uncelebrated day of the week?

March 5, 2003 Wednesday
Well, it’s time to give up something for Lent. Hmmm…pop? Beer? Swearing? I’ll decide tomorrow.

March 6, 2003 Thursday
It’s National Frozen Food Month. Guess that makes my shopping list easy.

March 7, 2003 Friday
Wow! Who would have thought frozen, imitation crab meat tasted so much like the real thing.

March 10, 2003 Monday
Okay, so I decided to give up swearing for Lent. I think this will be a positive thing for me.

March 11, 2003 Tuesday
Was late for work today. Had to get gas, and I spilled it all over me when I was taking the nozzle out of my car. Had to drive all the way back home and get cleaned up. Still smell like gasoline.

March 12, 2003 Wednesday
Nearly cussed out some idiot on the way to work today. Some people shouldn’t be given a driver’s license.

March 13, 2003 Thursday
I can’t wait for Saturday. It will be my first bowling league match in four years. I can’t wait to hang out with the guys and throw back some beers.

March 14, 2003 Friday
Finally! This weekend is gonna be good. I just hope I don’t break my sacrifice for Lent. Hangin’ with the guys can be kinda crude.

March 17, 2003 Monday
The luck ‘o the Irish! Yeah baby! Can’t wait to tip back some green beer…in celebration of my Irish heritage. So what if I’m not Irish…

March 18, 2003 Tuesday
Another full moon tonight. I better pick up some ear plugs, so those cats don’t keep me up all night again.

March 19, 2003 Wednesday
Finally, the last day of winter…I’m still mad at that groundhog!

March 20, 2003 Thursday

March 21, 2003 Friday
I can’t wait to get out my grill and do some real cookin’.

March 24, 2003 Monday
Just another…

March 25, 2003 Tuesday
MTV Spring Break…wish I was young again.

March 26, 2003 Wednesday
Is it Friday?

March 27, 2003 Thursday
Could this week BE any longer?!

March 28, 2003 Friday
Show me the money!

March 31, 2003 Monday
I am just waitin’ for those April showers. Bring ‘em on, baby!!!

April 1, 2003 Tuesday
I hate April Fool’s Day…some people can be sooo annoying!

April 2, 2003 Wednesday
Hey! It’s National Laugh at Work Week…yeah, real funny.

April 3, 2003 Thursday
Thank you, God! It’s National Grilled Cheese Sandwich month…better stock up on Velveeta.

April 4, 2003 Friday
I am takin’ my check to the bank. Need to start savin’ up for the beach. Yeah, baby!!!

April 7, 2003 Monday
How many days until vacation?

April 8, 2003 Tuesday
157 holes in the ceiling tile.

April 9, 2003 Wednesday
No, 158 holes in the ceiling tile.

April 10, 2003 Thursday
Crap! 161 holes in the ceiling tile.

April 11, 2003 Friday
Okay, got 158 twice. That must be it. Glad I solved that one!

April 14, 2003 Monday
On no! I need to file my taxes!

April 15, 2003 Tuesday
Taxes…sometimes I wish I lived in a communist country.

April 16, 2003 Wednesday
Another full moon. I need to do something about those cats!

April 17, 2003 Thursday
And where do my taxes go?!

April 18, 2003 Friday
FICA! Who in the heck is that?

April 21, 2003 Monday
Easter…after yesterday, I’d like to take an egg and shove it down somebody’s throat!

April 22, 2003 Tuesday
Man, I wish there was no such thing as Hallmark…Now I have to go out and buy something for the secretary!

April 23, 2003 Wednesday
Secretary’s Day…just when I really need something from her, the company gives her a two hour lunch.

April 24, 2003 Thursday
If I see one more deviled egg on the lunch room table, I am going to shoot myself out of a cannon!

April 25, 2003 Friday
More money for the beach! Champagne, jacuzzi, white beaches, blue waters. AHHHH…

April 28, 2003 Monday

April 29, 2003 Tuesday

April 30, 2003 Wednesday
There isn’t enough coffee in the world!

May 1, 2003 Thursday
Labor Day! Yeah…if only I lived in Mexico!

May 2, 2003 Friday
It’s hug your cat day. I’d rather chew on nails!

May 5, 2003 Monday
Cinco de Mayo! Yeah, baby! Tequila!!!

May 6, 2003 Tuesday
Oh, man! I never had hangovers when I was young!

May 7, 2003 Wednesday
Yesterady was National Teacher Appreciation Day…I wish I knew how to get a hold of Mrs. Tambarlan.

May 8, 2003 Thursday
What was my shop teacher’s name? I’d like to give him a piece of my mind. I just electrocuted myself trying to fix the lamp in my cubicle.

May 9, 2003 Friday
Need to get mom a gift…yep, another one of those Hallmark holidays!

May 12, 2003 Monday
Man, I don’t know why my mom was so upset when I gave her Tae Bo…I mean, I’d never heard her say a single cuss word in my entire life.

May 13, 2003 Tuesday
Mom keeps hanging up on me.

May 14, 2003 Wednesday
Will write a letter to mom…Roses are red…

May 15, 2003 Thursday
I can’t believe she tore my poem up. Better crack into that vacation fund and go to the jewelry store.

May 16, 2003 Friday
Yep! I knew it…all women are suckers for diamonds.

May 19, 2003 Monday
Well, tomorrow I turn the big 3-0. Wonder what my buddies will do for the big day.

May 20, 2003 Tuesday
Are you kidding me? The work day is almost over, and my mom hasn’t even called me.

May 21, 2003 Wednesday
My life is crap. What have I done with the last 30 years? Still no calls.

May 22, 2003 Thursday
Should have called in sick. Not like anyone knows I’m here.

May 23, 2003 Friday
Yeah, baby! Mom came over last night and gave me a sweater she made. She also made me the foamy green jell-o I loved when I was a kid.

May 26, 2003 Monday
Memorial Day. Everyone is off having picnics with friends and family. Me, I am at work. My *&^%ing boss told me to come in, or I’d be without a job.

May 27, 2003 Tuesday
I just want to hang a sign above my cubicle. “NO!!! I didn not see those amazing fireworks!!!”

May 28, 2003 Wednesday
Wednesday! It’s only Wednesday! Why me?

May 29, 2003 Thursday
Finally! It’s Friday Eve!

May 30, 2003 Friday
The weekend is here!

June 2, 203 Monday
It’s National Ice Tea Month. Does that include the Long Island variety?

June 3, 2003 Tuesday
Does that mean I can’t eat grilled cheese any more?

June 4, 2003 Wednesday
Need to make vacation plans. East or West Coast?

June 5, 2003 Thursday
1 month until vacation! YAHOOOOO!!!

June 6, 2003 Friday
Puttin’ more money away. This is going to be the best vacation ever!!!

June 9, 2003 Monday
It’s been awhile since I jammed to “Manic Monday” on my way in to work.

June 10, 2003 Tuesday
Think I’ll get one of those Tuesday pizza deals from Dominos…or was that Pizza Hut?

June 11, 2003 Wednesday
Need to get dad a present. Father’s day is on Sunday

June 12, 2003 Thursday
Tomorrow is the best day in the world. It’s “Blame Someone Else Day”!!!!

June 13 2003 Friday
I blame my mother and father and my brother and my boss and my friend Bob and my 7 th grade girlfriend and my calculus teacher and …

June 16, 2003 Monday
Gee…Flag Day and Father’s Day all in one weekend. What a riot……..

June 17, 2003 Tuesday
16 days until vacation!

June 18, 2003 Wednesday
What about Vegas?

June 19, 2003 Thursday
Got the deal! Vegas, baby!

June 20, 2003 Friday
Put that money in the bank. Will need it for the slots!

June 23, 2003 Monday
Are you kidding me? It’s “Bring Your Pet to Work Week”.

June 24, 2003 Tuesday
If I one more cat jumps up on my computer screen…

June 25, 2003 Wednesday
This is it! I am writing a letter to the president of the company. I just stepped in dog crap on the way in to work.

June 26, 2003 Thursday
The president replied to me. “Relax. And have a sense of humor!” I’ll show him a sense of humor!

June 27, 2003 Friday
Just received a company-wide email from the president. There will be no more bringing pets to work. Seems there was a pile of doo doo by the president’s parking spot this morning.

June 30, 2003 Monday
Tomorrow is JULY!!!!

July 1, 2003 Tuesday
It is almost half-way through the year. Today is the 182 nd day of the year.

July 2, 2003 Wednesday
It’s “I Forgot Day”. Oops! I forgot to come back to work on time.

July 3, 2003 Thursday
Well, today is everyone else’s last day before break, but I have to work tomorrow. I’m not sweatin’ it though. I leave for Vegas on Saturday!

July 4, 2003 Friday
I love changing people’s things around on their desk. What else to do when no one is in?